I wished for Quinn for a long time. We had tried to get pregnant for about 16 months before it finally happened. In that time I finished the nursery (save for the name on the wall) and started accumulating baby things. I found out I was pregnant on my 24th birthday. I woke up early that morning because I had to work and took a test. I then woke Matthias up to tell him the good news. I brought a Carrot Cake from Costco to work to celebrate my birthday, secretly celebrating the news of the pregnancy as well.
Quinn arrived on March 26th, 2015, 44 hours after my water broke. It was a long birth, and it went nothing like I had planned (it never does). I was so happy to have her here. Later that evening Quinn had to go to the NICU as her breathing was fast and her oxygen saturation was lower than where it should have been. For the next 5 days Quinn had a cycle of antibiotics for a suspected infection due to my water being broken for greater than 24 hours. I stayed close by in the parent suite, waking multiple times in the night to feed her and care for her. It was an emotional time that left me feeling fragile and unsure of how to be a mother. I believe this, coupled with her later colicky demeanor, are what led to a few months of minor postpartum depression.
The first few months were hard. Quinn cried a lot. It reinforced that I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. It was a big adjustment to my life, and I don't think I had adequately prepared myself for that. I'd say that by 5 months things started to improve and we found our routine. After Quinn came out of the colicky stage, she was a happy and joyful dream. I loved spending time with her, snapping pictures of her giant grin, and seeing her grow. I have many pictures and videos from our first year together that I look back on with fondness. They are only little for such a short amount of time.
We decided to move to Airdrie when Quinn was one and a half to explore different work opportunities. We were also much closer to my good friends K and S, and their children who were close to Quinn in age. I am so glad that Quinn got to have close friendships with these two kiddos over the last 4 years.
Quinn loved being a big sister. She quickly accepted Ivy into our daily routine, and would shower her sister in kisses whenever she could. She was gentle with her. She worked hard to make her smile and laugh. She included her in playing, and even would try to dance with Ivy even when she was small enough to sit in a bouncy chair. Have 2 girls so close in age who got along so well felt like a dream come true. I was so excited for their bond to continue throughout their lives. It is one of the things I will continue to grieve the most. They were best friends in addition to being sisters. As Ivy grew, their playtime became more imaginative, and included playing store, restaurant, and Barbies. Quinn always played the Mom, and Ivy always played the Kid. Quinn would call her Barbie-kids "Sweet Pea" which was so cute. I have no idea where she got this term of endearment, Matthias and I never called either of them Sweet Pea, although I wish we had.
Quinn started dressing herself when she was about two and a half. She always wore the craziest outfits. She'd wear 3 shirts, a pair of pants, and a skirt over top. Or a dress, a sweater, and leggings. She would accessorize with bows and bracelets and necklaces. She would wear knee socks over top of her pants, pulled all the way up with her pants tucked in. She'd wear tank tops in the middle of winter. She would ALWAYS put her clothes on backwards, even after she turned 5, and then she would giggle and turn her clothes around when I would point out that her shirt or pants were on backwards. She always wore her shoes on the wrong feet as well. I was just happy she was dressing herself, so I let her wear whatever she wanted, and in turn I think she felt really good about being able to express herself.
Quinn liked the weirdest things on TV. At 4 years old, she discovered Naruto, and other Anime shows and watched them all. She loved Coraline. She enjoyed Pokemon so much she wanted a MegaChu (her name for Pikachu) cake. She also was a big fan of Pee-Wee Herman. I have no idea why she was drawn to these weird shows, but it just reinforces her unique approach to living, and who was I to encourage any different?
Quinn was quirky. She was kind. She loved to express herself. Five years with her will never feel like enough time. I hope that in sharing her joy, as well as the emotions that have surrounded her death, I will be able to navigate how I can honor just how special she was to me. I love her. I will love her every second of the rest of my life.